I'm Not the Problem

Ever know with certainty that the glaring issues in your marriage are undoubtedly your husband's problems and have nothing to do with you? I did.

When my husband said we needed to see someone, I knew that he was wrongly placing blame on my shoulders... what he should have said was that he needed to see someone to fix his problems and then our marriage could stand a chance as he worked to repair the bond that was fading.

With my self-righteous attitude on obtaining help for our marriage and our combined lack of tools for a healthy relationship, we were naturally heading towards a place of deep, mutual resentment.

I did have one thing going for me at the time. I was part of a marriage group which consisted of like-minded women. This group had been initiated with the intention of simply spending time with friends but, when one member asked if we could discuss a book and The Empowered Wife was chosen, the coffee club, as was its original name, gave birth to a marriage group.

The structure of the group was casual. We each read the book on our own and became familiar with the six fundamental ideas that the author discusses. At some point during our get-together, we would take turns sharing a story of a recent success within our marriage. In this way, we learned from each other's successes and encouraged each other to continue putting work into our marriages.

Being part of this group filled a need for friendship and support. It gave me the security and comfort of knowing that I was not alone in having struggles within my marriage. It did something else for me as well, something I never thought was possible and to this day I still don't fully understand. During one of our meetings, the topic of respecting our husband's was brought up. Each member stated that respecting her husband was of utmost importance and was a mindset she chose with no regard for the behavior* that was exhibited. I listened to what everyone said and I must have processed the lesson on a visceral level but was not yet aware of the change within me on a conscious one.

At some point after that meeting, the opportunity presented itself for me to choose respect for my husband during and after a challenging event that took place between himself and our kids. To my surprise and astonishment, I realized that I was able to appreciate his parenting relationship with his children without judgment. Prior to the last meeting, I would have been resentful and angry at the way he dealt with the situation. This would, in turn, make him angry at me for being upset with him, creating a vicious and all too familiar, toxic cycle.

Prior to that fateful meeting, I would have felt powerless to stop myself from getting upset, but something deep within me changed when I heard everyone sharing their convictions. My neural pathways had begun to rewire and my first instinct was no longer anger but acceptance. Now I was able to give him the support he needed when tensions were high and we could more quickly move toward peaceful interactions, a reward reaped by the entire family.

It was then that I realized the potential powerful effects of being part of a growth oriented group, where the topics we speak about can have true, lasting, positive impressions on each other.

While my marriage was heading toward a better place, it was still far from where it needed to be. Being part of the marriage group was a good start but I was still missing basic tools in the way I thought about myself, my marriage and how I communicated to my husband that he was the center of my life. Since I still knew that I didn’t need any professional help, things would have stayed the way they were - at times good…at times not that great…traveling through the bumpy roads of married life without the means to map my way into a more harmonious territory.

Then my world shifted. I had known it was coming for a couple of years now, and yet, at the same time, I rejected that knowledge continuously …it couldn't really ever happen. Until it did. My father called, we would be taking a nice family vacation…to spend some final time together as a family before my mother’s neshama was called back to her Creator. As reality set in as much as it could, I knew that I needed a mother figure in my life. My mother had always been there for me and her gentle guidance was something I could not possibly live without. So as I cried and laughed at my ridiculous options for replacement mother figures, a good friend of mine directed me to Marriage Buddies, a free Jewish organization that pairs women with slightly older mentors…marriage mentors. My desperate emotional state didn't leave room for me to realize that the journey I was about to embark upon was the one which I had fought against for so long.

By Divine providence, I was paired with a kind and wise woman. After many weeks and months of her patient guidance, the seeds that were planted during our weekly talks started to take root.

I began to understand my husband better and learned not to take some of the things he said personally. I learned how to appreciate gestures of kindness on his part and have gratitude for the effort that went into his thoughtfulness. I learned to be kind and loving to myself, so that I could be kind and loving to my husband and family. Small skills, each seemingly insignificant on their own, when practiced together, over time, have the potential to make big changes.

And so, only months later did I realize that with the changes I made in my thinking and the words I chose to speak or withhold, did I effect a positive change in my marriage. Marriages, like life itself, are filled with good times and more challenging times but now the peaks and valleys are further apart, the valleys are less intense, and shorter lasting and I have the skills I need to get through those times with strength and faith in myself and our relationship.

As I reflect on my experience, it's clear to me that I'm not alone. People are resistant to acknowledging their need for help, and even when they are open to the idea of getting help it can be uncomfortable and draining to start asking around for the right person to speak with, when mind, body and spirit are already so splintered from daily responsibilities and overwhelmed by the challenges in their relationship.

When my husband asked me to go for help, I envisioned sitting awkwardly, across from an intimidating therapist, in a sterile office, the very thought evoked a feeling of inferiority, shame, and fear. No wonder I wasn’t keen on the thought. How much pain and disconnection could have been avoided if I was as familiar with the idea of using a marriage coach to resolve tension in a marriage, as I was with going to the mechanic when the check engine light goes on? What would more marriages look like if the topic of improving marriage was spoken about casually, in a growth minded, positive way? I think more women would be open to the idea of getting the support they need so that they can elevate their personal lives and their marriages.

As it turned out, my weekly talks with my frum marriage coach were like the comfort of coming home. I came to realize that there was no judgment on myself and more beautifully no judgment on anyone else that I spoke about having conflict with. On the contrary, I was given feedback that helped me embrace and understand the person on the other end of my frustration. I found that I was able to share difficult feelings and in return, I was given acceptance and validation, which left me feeling lighter and gave me the energy I needed to approach my relationships with more clarity and positivity.

As strong Jewish women, we want to be capable of handling the many complex details of our lives independently and even the thought of getting help can feel like a submission of weakness. I believe we fear being perceived as incapable of handling our load in life, even to ourselves, and most definitely to others, so we keep going on without asking for help, not realizing that this load is causing us exhaustion, resentment and distance from others. A good portion of us don't realize there is another way and it’s not just ok to ask for help it’s GREAT!

It’s my belief that it takes strength to hope that things can be better and to then take a step in that direction. It takes courage to share our journey (how our perspectives changed, how we learned to take care of our needs more effectively, how we look for the good in our spouse etc-with care taken to focus on what we are doing for our marriage and stay away from blaming or complaining about our spouse) with other women, and in doing so, normalize the need to be supported in our lives and in our marriages. In doing so, we open up channels to the women around us and we give ourselves the opportunity to be authentic with each other as we reach out to support and be supported by one another on our different journeys.

Let's embrace who we are, so that we can start working on who we want to be.

If you would like coaching by the same woman I found so helpful, please email me at Closerconnections613@gmail.com. Please note that since I began working with her she has started charging for her services and is no longer volunteering with Marriage Buddies.

*This article is not meant to replace the guidance of a qualified professional. If abuse is suspected please contact Shalom Task Force.